Life Update

/ April 15, 2020

"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28 

Sooooo, a lot has been going on in my life this past semester. Some of which were my mom disowning me, I witnessed someone I love get in trouble with the police, I dated a manipulative guy who really hurt me, there was a death in the family, I got followed out to my car at night, and I have gone through a lot of friend hurt. 

I'm not writing this because I just want an outlet to complain. I've been consumed by bitterness for far too long to do that, and that's not who I am. I want to write because I simply want to be heard, and I want my words to be valued and considered. Also, I hope that some of what I say could be inspiring if you're also going through a hard time. 

That being said, I refuse to go into detail over everything that has happened this past semester. I will say this: to the people who have loved me and offered me support through everything, thank you. I love you so much and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. And to those who might not have known about the things I've been going through, I'm sorry for not letting you in.

-

All the things that I've been going through this past semester have had a large impact on my mental and spiritual health. I've been often feeling depressed, lonely, and scared. For a month or so after I was followed to my car, I was scared to go anywhere after dark. Let me just throw this in: I don't easily trust people. I've been hurt too much, so vulnerability isn't something that comes easily to me at all. I decided to work on being vulnerable anyway and started letting people in. However, it felt like not many people cared. Some of my friends offered me support and advice, but it seemed like the majority of people just said "sorry" and kind of moved on with their lives. I didn't expect anybody to drop everything and fix my problems for me, but I really needed a support system to lean on to comfort and listen to me. 

For a while, it felt like the only people who were actually there were friends from high school who lived hours away or friends who I never really saw anymore (ty, Timber and Zoe. I'm sorry for all the snap vids I send you lol). I decided to open up to one of my friends about my hurt and how I felt like I was going through these things alone and she helped me realize that I hadn't been a great friend because I was focusing so much on myself, that people won't know how to love me the way I need to be loved unless I articulate that to them, and that I had been distancing myself from Jesus. 

For a quick recap on what happened after that conversation: I changed. I started focusing on building my relationship with Jesus again. I had been struggling for so long to be perfect all the time in order to feel some sort of validation that I was actually putting my identity in my friendships and in my ministry rather than in Jesus where it belonged. I had also been hiding behind my title as a small group leader to justify me being a "good" Christian when, in reality, I had rarely been spending time with Jesus in prayer or reading my bible. I had been so focused on being who I thought I had to be that I was drowning without realizing it. 

It's okay to not be okay, I know that now. However, it's not okay to stay that way. I refuse to live my life in fear of what other people will think of me, or in bitterness because of what Satan has thrown at me. 

All that should matter is having a relationship with Jesus, loving others the way he does, and leading people to him. I want to be the light in the darkness. There's so much pain in the world, and so many people have been wronged by people spreading hate in the name of Jesus. That's my mission: to break the stigma that surrounds Christianity and show others the true love that is Jesus. Believe me, I don't think I'm perfect or at all equipped for the job. I mess up, A LOT. However, Jesus has shown me a lot through my experiences this past semester alone and I know that he doesn't call the equipped, but rather equips the called.

I believe that he is closing this door of my life in order to open a new one. I'm not a small group leader anymore, I was removed from leadership, and I'm graduating college in December. I have been in a season of waiting for what Jesus has for me in my next step of life, which I have a feeling will be coming to an end soon. And I can't wait to welcome the next with excitement and open arms!

Thank you, Texas Tech Chi Alpha for making me feel welcomed and accepted. I am so grateful for the many experiences and spiritual encounters this ministry has given me. I would not be where I am now or have made so many wonderful friends without Chi Alpha. 

About 4 years ago I was listening to music that talked about partying with the devil and suicide, I was depressed and practicing self-harm, my identity was in guys and drugs, and I had decided that it was best to not let anyone in to protect myself from hurt. 

Now I listen to Indie pop and worship music that makes me happy (and doesn't talk about partying with the devil), I have a fluffy son named Gus that I get to take care of, a newfound joy provided by my heavenly father, and a burden-filled heart for those who don't know Jesus. 

(this is a progress pic but I'm now realizing that my forehead on the right looks huge. I have a normal-sized forehead okay, ugh).

I'm excited for this next chapter of my life, and I can't wait to share it with you. 

Thanks for reading!

"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28 

Sooooo, a lot has been going on in my life this past semester. Some of which were my mom disowning me, I witnessed someone I love get in trouble with the police, I dated a manipulative guy who really hurt me, there was a death in the family, I got followed out to my car at night, and I have gone through a lot of friend hurt. 

I'm not writing this because I just want an outlet to complain. I've been consumed by bitterness for far too long to do that, and that's not who I am. I want to write because I simply want to be heard, and I want my words to be valued and considered. Also, I hope that some of what I say could be inspiring if you're also going through a hard time. 

That being said, I refuse to go into detail over everything that has happened this past semester. I will say this: to the people who have loved me and offered me support through everything, thank you. I love you so much and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. And to those who might not have known about the things I've been going through, I'm sorry for not letting you in.

-

All the things that I've been going through this past semester have had a large impact on my mental and spiritual health. I've been often feeling depressed, lonely, and scared. For a month or so after I was followed to my car, I was scared to go anywhere after dark. Let me just throw this in: I don't easily trust people. I've been hurt too much, so vulnerability isn't something that comes easily to me at all. I decided to work on being vulnerable anyway and started letting people in. However, it felt like not many people cared. Some of my friends offered me support and advice, but it seemed like the majority of people just said "sorry" and kind of moved on with their lives. I didn't expect anybody to drop everything and fix my problems for me, but I really needed a support system to lean on to comfort and listen to me. 

For a while, it felt like the only people who were actually there were friends from high school who lived hours away or friends who I never really saw anymore (ty, Timber and Zoe. I'm sorry for all the snap vids I send you lol). I decided to open up to one of my friends about my hurt and how I felt like I was going through these things alone and she helped me realize that I hadn't been a great friend because I was focusing so much on myself, that people won't know how to love me the way I need to be loved unless I articulate that to them, and that I had been distancing myself from Jesus. 

For a quick recap on what happened after that conversation: I changed. I started focusing on building my relationship with Jesus again. I had been struggling for so long to be perfect all the time in order to feel some sort of validation that I was actually putting my identity in my friendships and in my ministry rather than in Jesus where it belonged. I had also been hiding behind my title as a small group leader to justify me being a "good" Christian when, in reality, I had rarely been spending time with Jesus in prayer or reading my bible. I had been so focused on being who I thought I had to be that I was drowning without realizing it. 

It's okay to not be okay, I know that now. However, it's not okay to stay that way. I refuse to live my life in fear of what other people will think of me, or in bitterness because of what Satan has thrown at me. 

All that should matter is having a relationship with Jesus, loving others the way he does, and leading people to him. I want to be the light in the darkness. There's so much pain in the world, and so many people have been wronged by people spreading hate in the name of Jesus. That's my mission: to break the stigma that surrounds Christianity and show others the true love that is Jesus. Believe me, I don't think I'm perfect or at all equipped for the job. I mess up, A LOT. However, Jesus has shown me a lot through my experiences this past semester alone and I know that he doesn't call the equipped, but rather equips the called.

I believe that he is closing this door of my life in order to open a new one. I'm not a small group leader anymore, I was removed from leadership, and I'm graduating college in December. I have been in a season of waiting for what Jesus has for me in my next step of life, which I have a feeling will be coming to an end soon. And I can't wait to welcome the next with excitement and open arms!

Thank you, Texas Tech Chi Alpha for making me feel welcomed and accepted. I am so grateful for the many experiences and spiritual encounters this ministry has given me. I would not be where I am now or have made so many wonderful friends without Chi Alpha. 

About 4 years ago I was listening to music that talked about partying with the devil and suicide, I was depressed and practicing self-harm, my identity was in guys and drugs, and I had decided that it was best to not let anyone in to protect myself from hurt. 

Now I listen to Indie pop and worship music that makes me happy (and doesn't talk about partying with the devil), I have a fluffy son named Gus that I get to take care of, a newfound joy provided by my heavenly father, and a burden-filled heart for those who don't know Jesus. 

(this is a progress pic but I'm now realizing that my forehead on the right looks huge. I have a normal-sized forehead okay, ugh).

I'm excited for this next chapter of my life, and I can't wait to share it with you. 

Thanks for reading!
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“Worship is the submission of all our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by his holiness; the nourishment of mind with his truth; the purifying of imagination by His beauty; the opening of the heart to his love; the surrender of will to his purpose – and all of this gathered up in adoration.” - William Temple

I LOVE worship. It's one of my favorite parts about having a relationship with God. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 says "Now the Lord is the Spirit where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit". When we remove the veil over our faces, we remove distractions and worries. We get to stand before God, face to face. With our attention fully on him, God transforms us into his image!

In John 4:23-24 Jesus says, "But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him. God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth". Jesus says that the only acceptable way to worship him is in spirit and in truth. He seeks true worshippers.

So, how can you be wrongly worshipping?

Vain worship = zero worship. You can do good deeds and go to as many church services as you want and never be worshiping if it is all external and nothing is happening in your heart toward God. Matthew 15: 8-9 says “This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men”.

As we worship, we should be thinking about how good God is to us even though we are so unworthy of his goodness. James 4:8 says “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you". Singing, praying, studying the bible, and serving others are things designed by God to bring us closer to him. The closer we get to him, the more we start to think like he does. & the more we think like he does, the more we look like him!

So, how can we worship him? Hebrews 13:15-16 says “Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God” We get to worship God through praise, repentance, and loving his children by serving and giving to them sacrificially.

The more we worship God rightly, the more we start to look like him. We develop traits from his character such as forgiveness, tenderness, kindness, and lovingness. We are being prepared for our lives in Heaven! We should be setting our minds on things above; We should be doing all things with the kingdom and our eternal lives in mind rather than our earthly, finite lives.

Worship

by on October 11, 2019
“Worship is the submission of all our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by his holiness; the nourishment of mind with ...
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As some of you know, I have come back to work at camp this summer. I felt called to come back at a Chi Alpha conference over New Year's weekend, and I've been anxiously waiting ever since. 
I've also been scared.

Last summer was so exhausting. Not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. The tension was high towards the end which made it increasingly difficult to trust God and lean on him. That's why when I started feeling called to come back I was like, "Uhh you sure, God?"

I had been feeling a strong urge to text my boss and tell her I was coming back for a couple of days already, but I resisted. Not just because of the toll it took on me last summer, but also because I had already made plans to work and go to summer classes. I would be giving up opportunities for potential internships and making up hours in order to graduate on time.

That night, the worship team played a couple of songs (it was a while ago so forgive me for not remembering which song played first pls). One of them was Tremble by Mosaic MSC and the other was an excerpt from the song Sanctuary. These songs mean so much to me.

Tremble was my anthem last summer. It constantly reminded me just how powerful God is and that I can put my trust in him. He calms the raging storms, awakens the dead, and makes the freakin' darkness tremble. How dope is that?

Sanctuary was my favorite song to sing every summer while I was a camper. The worship leader played it my first time ever going to camp, and it has since been in my heart year after year. It's sweet to hear it now and look back on who I was back then. If you have ever heard my testimony, then you would know that I had to grow up pretty fast. I loved going to that camp every summer to escape my home life and sing that song at the top of my lungs with the people around me. I looked forward to having that sense of freedom and didn't even realize that was the kind of freedom that a relationship with Jesus gives us.

I'm still learning how to trust and give everything to Jesus. Just in case you don't already know, let me tell you now: it's hard. I've just got to keep reminding myself that I'm not living this life for myself, but I'm living it for Jesus.

Anyway, I have a great feeling about this summer. Just for a life update in case you wanted one: it's training week, day 2. I've passed all the pre-tests to enter lifeguard training (THANK YOU, JESUS), definitely gotten sunburned, and my whole body already aches.

Maybe I'll update y'all if I don't get lazy. :')

P.S. text me if you want to send me mail, because that would be the raddest thing ever. 

Hello, summer!

by on May 21, 2019
As some of you know, I have come back to work at camp this summer. I felt called to come back at a Chi Alpha conference over New Year...
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The other day I was resting and watching Netflix after a long day when my back started hurting. I tried everything to get it to stop hurting: I took Advil, stretched, took a hot bath... I was even begging God to take my pain away. Nothing was working and the pain was getting worse, so I was going to give up and just try to sleep. I sat on my bed when I realized that I hadn't even spent time with Jesus that day. How could I ask Him to perform a miracle?

I picked up the current book I'm reading, Crazy Love, and got a few chapters in when I read the part where Francis Chan talks about how he used to have heart palpitations that were progressively getting worse, but he was too stubborn to go to the hospital. He finally decided to go after Christmas Eve service at his church, but at that service something changed. He said he gave all of his worry and stress to God, and since hasn't had any symptoms. 

I read that and thought, "okay, God. That wasn't subtle at all".

So I closed the book and prayed. I gave all of my worries and stresses to Him, and I prayed that if I tried to take them back that I would be reminded that they're now His. Worry leads to a striving life of self-preservation instead of one of rest in God's unfailing love. When we seek Him first, we're rewarded with Him. Now overwhelmed with a new found freedom, I prayed again for Him to take away my pain and I read a few more chapters of the book.

As I was scrolling through social media about an hour later, I realized that my back wasn't hurting anymore. I was suddenly filled with such an intense feeling of joy that I still can't seem to put into more intricate words about how good God is. 

I don't know if the Advil finally kicked in or what, but I choose to follow what my heart says: that my God healed me. He is such a good father, even if He hadn't taken my pain away it wouldn't change that. 

-

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Psalm 55:22
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."

Stress and Worry

by on February 05, 2019
The other day I was resting and watching Netflix after a long day when my back started hurting. I tried everything to get it to stop ...
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I'm currently sitting in Panera with some friends after just having a group meeting for my advertising project. I don't know what I'm going to write in this post, but I'm in a stage of transition in what feels like every aspect of my life. I've been struggling with my thoughts lately, but not because they're bad. I just don't have any structure to them and it's driving me insane.

First things first, I got a new job not long ago, but after about a week they stopped scheduling me. I had to ask for my last job back, and now I'm in a place that sucks because I don't have a reliable income. I had a thought today: I wish so badly that I had all the money in the world so I can be able to do and buy things for other people while still being able to do things for myself. I'm glad I've gotten rid of the power money holds over me. I no longer idolize it because I know my Father provides more than money ever could. 

I'm going home in a week for Thanksgiving. It'll be a nice mental break from school, but I'm even nervous about going home because I have nobody to ride with me in a car that I'm honestly terrified of driving in by myself for 6 hours. I've had so many car problems that are still not fixed, and now I have a huge dent in one of my passenger doors. 

Speaking of my car, that leads me to the ticket I got. I had been planning on taking my time doing my defensive driving because it wasn't due until January. Then I realized that I'm actually an idiot and I won't be in Lubbock when it's due so I have to do it before December. That's not very stressful, just an annoyance that I for some reason felt was necessary to tell you about. 

--

I recently discovered that I've been jealous of my friends' walks with God and had been trying to force growth onto myself so I can get to that level of intimacy with Him. News flash: that's not how it works. I'm glad that I realized that when I did because I would've literally gone crazy with the intense amount of effort I was putting in to be in a place that I wasn't ready for. That would've just led me to self-pity and resentment. 

I'm so grateful to have a Father that I can turn to about these things. I don't have to take on these things by myself because He has promised me that I can trust these things to Him. Knowing that has given me a sense of peace, and now I'm realizing that means I've finally placed my trust in Him. Trusting the Lord with my struggles has constantly been hard for me to do, because I've had the mentality "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself". This feels like a step away from that. 

I find comfort in the fact that in my heart, I know everything will be okay and that I'm simply in a season of transition and growth. Thanks for reading, I hope my thoughts were somewhat structured. 

Journal Entry 2

by on November 11, 2018
I'm currently sitting in Panera with some friends after just having a group meeting for my advertising project. I don't know wh...
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Last night was a night that I'll remember forever. The sermon was over the Holy Spirit, which I've been really interested in knowing more about lately so it was kinda perfect timing. Nick explained that we receive the Holy Spirit when we gives our lives to Christ and die to ourselves, but I had just been craving so desperately to receive even more. I didn't care how and when it would happen, or if I even received a gift. I just wanted it. 

A couple days ago I was reading in the book Hinds Feet on High Places. The main character, Much-Afraid had been on the path to the High Places with her guides, Sorrow and Suffering when they began to take her downhill- into a dry desert valley. The complete opposite way of the mountains, which The Shepherd had promised to her. She called out to Him and cried out, saying it was a mistake because He promised her the High Places and here she was, going down into low places. 

He assured her that she was on the right path, and He even stuck by her side for a little while when they entered a town. After a while, He left and her guides took her to a cliff lookout where she found an empty cove near the ocean that gave her a sense of peace. The next day, she went back to the cove to see that it was completely full of water after the tide came in. She shrieked with joy, thanking The Shepherd. She compared that cove to her, saying just in the same way as the cove being filled with water, she had been filled with His love. 

That story actually has a point, I promise. I had been craving to have that feeling.  I was hungry to be filled in that way, to shriek with joy from the overflow of my heart. I had been learning how to have a deeper intimacy with Him and what it means to be His bride, so I wanted to feel that love.

After the sermon last night, I prayed out-loud with friends. While a friend was praying over me, my feet started tingling. I didn't know what was happening, and it didn't stop. My feet started feeling heavy, and I imagined myself with hind's feet. I gave absolutely everything to Him, and held nothing back. That's when I felt the wildest feeling that I still don't know how to explain without sounding absolutely ridiculous. I was filled with the most intense joy I had ever felt, and I cried. Lemme tell ya, it wasn't just one glistening tear on my cheek. I was ugly-crying hardcore. 

I didn't care. I just kept weeping, and suddenly these sounds came out of my mouth that weren't words at all, and I was scared before I realized that I was speaking in tongues. My friends were encouraging me as these babbles kept spewing out of my mouth. 

I barely slept last night and today I feel sick, but I don't care. I have a new-found joy and love that's nothing I have ever felt before. I'm so excited that I want to tell everyone I see, even if they're a total stranger and they would think I'm literally insane. That's why I had to type out my feelings and thoughts today because I felt like if I didn't get it off my chest I would combust. Anyway, thank you for reading. I'm sure there's going to be much more to come. 

Holy Spirit

by on October 26, 2018
Last night was a night that I'll remember forever. The sermon was over the Holy Spirit, which I've been really inte...
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I don't know what to title this post, because I don't know what it's going to be about. I kinda just wanted to get on here and unload my feelings into writing. 

Reading and writing have always been a form of escape for me, especially in middle school and high school when life was hard. Nowadays, life is a lot easier. I have a wonderful group of friends and a savior to go to about my problems, but life has been extra stressful lately. I know why- it's because I worry too much. I worry too much about things that are not in my control, or things that I can just give to God. One of my friends said a couple weeks ago that she has a problem with giving things to God and then taking them back because she feels that she has to do it herself. I didn't realize it, but I struggle with that a lot as well. 

I've been listening to my audio bible, reading books, praying, and journaling a lot. I'm proud of myself for making my thought life better, but I want to surrender more. And I want to stop taking back things I surrender. 

When you surrender things to God and then take them back, it's like saying, "God is inadequate so I'm going to do it myself". Which is ridiculous. From here on, when I surrender something to God I am going to let Him keep it. If I feel like I'm trying to take it back, I'm going to stop and check myself. How dare I say the almighty King is inadequate to take on my struggles when he took on the cross?

My thoughts are not really organized, so neither will the blog post be, haha my bad.

Last night was really hard emotionally. I felt that nothing I do is ever good enough for other people or for myself. And I messed up, and I cried about it. I didn't feel sorry for myself though, I felt the complete opposite. I was mad at myself, so mad that I cried. I was mad because I have been trying so hard to be who others expect me to be, and who I want myself to be. When I messed up, I felt like a failure and I unloaded my heart (kind of like I'm doing now) to friends. 

I don't know how I feel this morning. I know I've been trying too hard. I should be letting growth happen instead of trying to force it. One of my friends really helped me realize that last night. It's just hard to let growth happen when I just want to be there already. I guess that's another thing I've taken back from God.

Hey, I guess this was kind of structured (no? I don't know). I think I'll call this Journal Entry 1, since I feel like there will be a lot more of these because I have a lot of feelings and thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Journal Entry 1

by on October 23, 2018
I don't know what to title this post, because I don't know what it's going to be about. I kinda just wanted to get on here a...
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