Journal Entry 1

I don't know what to title this post, because I don't know what it's going to be about. I kinda just wanted to get on here and unload my feelings into writing. 

Reading and writing have always been a form of escape for me, especially in middle school and high school when life was hard. Nowadays, life is a lot easier. I have a wonderful group of friends and a savior to go to about my problems, but life has been extra stressful lately. I know why- it's because I worry too much. I worry too much about things that are not in my control, or things that I can just give to God. One of my friends said a couple weeks ago that she has a problem with giving things to God and then taking them back because she feels that she has to do it herself. I didn't realize it, but I struggle with that a lot as well. 

I've been listening to my audio bible, reading books, praying, and journaling a lot. I'm proud of myself for making my thought life better, but I want to surrender more. And I want to stop taking back things I surrender. 

When you surrender things to God and then take them back, it's like saying, "God is inadequate so I'm going to do it myself". Which is ridiculous. From here on, when I surrender something to God I am going to let Him keep it. If I feel like I'm trying to take it back, I'm going to stop and check myself. How dare I say the almighty King is inadequate to take on my struggles when he took on the cross?

My thoughts are not really organized, so neither will the blog post be, haha my bad.

Last night was really hard emotionally. I felt that nothing I do is ever good enough for other people or for myself. And I messed up, and I cried about it. I didn't feel sorry for myself though, I felt the complete opposite. I was mad at myself, so mad that I cried. I was mad because I have been trying so hard to be who others expect me to be, and who I want myself to be. When I messed up, I felt like a failure and I unloaded my heart (kind of like I'm doing now) to friends. 

I don't know how I feel this morning. I know I've been trying too hard. I should be letting growth happen instead of trying to force it. One of my friends really helped me realize that last night. It's just hard to let growth happen when I just want to be there already. I guess that's another thing I've taken back from God.

Hey, I guess this was kind of structured (no? I don't know). I think I'll call this Journal Entry 1, since I feel like there will be a lot more of these because I have a lot of feelings and thoughts. Thanks for reading.