Life Update

"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28 

Sooooo, a lot has been going on in my life this past semester. Some of which were my mom disowning me, I witnessed someone I love get in trouble with the police, I dated a manipulative guy who really hurt me, there was a death in the family, I got followed out to my car at night, and I have gone through a lot of friend hurt. 

I'm not writing this because I just want an outlet to complain. I've been consumed by bitterness for far too long to do that, and that's not who I am. I want to write because I simply want to be heard, and I want my words to be valued and considered. Also, I hope that some of what I say could be inspiring if you're also going through a hard time. 

That being said, I refuse to go into detail over everything that has happened this past semester. I will say this: to the people who have loved me and offered me support through everything, thank you. I love you so much and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. And to those who might not have known about the things I've been going through, I'm sorry for not letting you in.

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All the things that I've been going through this past semester have had a large impact on my mental and spiritual health. I've been often feeling depressed, lonely, and scared. For a month or so after I was followed to my car, I was scared to go anywhere after dark. Let me just throw this in: I don't easily trust people. I've been hurt too much, so vulnerability isn't something that comes easily to me at all. I decided to work on being vulnerable anyway and started letting people in. However, it felt like not many people cared. Some of my friends offered me support and advice, but it seemed like the majority of people just said "sorry" and kind of moved on with their lives. I didn't expect anybody to drop everything and fix my problems for me, but I really needed a support system to lean on to comfort and listen to me. 

For a while, it felt like the only people who were actually there were friends from high school who lived hours away or friends who I never really saw anymore (ty, Timber and Zoe. I'm sorry for all the snap vids I send you lol). I decided to open up to one of my friends about my hurt and how I felt like I was going through these things alone and she helped me realize that I hadn't been a great friend because I was focusing so much on myself, that people won't know how to love me the way I need to be loved unless I articulate that to them, and that I had been distancing myself from Jesus. 

For a quick recap on what happened after that conversation: I changed. I started focusing on building my relationship with Jesus again. I had been struggling for so long to be perfect all the time in order to feel some sort of validation that I was actually putting my identity in my friendships and in my ministry rather than in Jesus where it belonged. I had also been hiding behind my title as a small group leader to justify me being a "good" Christian when, in reality, I had rarely been spending time with Jesus in prayer or reading my bible. I had been so focused on being who I thought I had to be that I was drowning without realizing it. 

It's okay to not be okay, I know that now. However, it's not okay to stay that way. I refuse to live my life in fear of what other people will think of me, or in bitterness because of what Satan has thrown at me. 

All that should matter is having a relationship with Jesus, loving others the way he does, and leading people to him. I want to be the light in the darkness. There's so much pain in the world, and so many people have been wronged by people spreading hate in the name of Jesus. That's my mission: to break the stigma that surrounds Christianity and show others the true love that is Jesus. Believe me, I don't think I'm perfect or at all equipped for the job. I mess up, A LOT. However, Jesus has shown me a lot through my experiences this past semester alone and I know that he doesn't call the equipped, but rather equips the called.

I believe that he is closing this door of my life in order to open a new one. I'm not a small group leader anymore, I was removed from leadership, and I'm graduating college in December. I have been in a season of waiting for what Jesus has for me in my next step of life, which I have a feeling will be coming to an end soon. And I can't wait to welcome the next with excitement and open arms!

Thank you, Texas Tech Chi Alpha for making me feel welcomed and accepted. I am so grateful for the many experiences and spiritual encounters this ministry has given me. I would not be where I am now or have made so many wonderful friends without Chi Alpha. 

About 4 years ago I was listening to music that talked about partying with the devil and suicide, I was depressed and practicing self-harm, my identity was in guys and drugs, and I had decided that it was best to not let anyone in to protect myself from hurt. 

Now I listen to Indie pop and worship music that makes me happy (and doesn't talk about partying with the devil), I have a fluffy son named Gus that I get to take care of, a newfound joy provided by my heavenly father, and a burden-filled heart for those who don't know Jesus. 

(this is a progress pic but I'm now realizing that my forehead on the right looks huge. I have a normal-sized forehead okay, ugh).

I'm excited for this next chapter of my life, and I can't wait to share it with you. 

Thanks for reading!