Journal Entry 2

I'm currently sitting in Panera with some friends after just having a group meeting for my advertising project. I don't know what I'm going to write in this post, but I'm in a stage of transition in what feels like every aspect of my life. I've been struggling with my thoughts lately, but not because they're bad. I just don't have any structure to them and it's driving me insane.

First things first, I got a new job not long ago, but after about a week they stopped scheduling me. I had to ask for my last job back, and now I'm in a place that sucks because I don't have a reliable income. I had a thought today: I wish so badly that I had all the money in the world so I can be able to do and buy things for other people while still being able to do things for myself. I'm glad I've gotten rid of the power money holds over me. I no longer idolize it because I know my Father provides more than money ever could. 

I'm going home in a week for Thanksgiving. It'll be a nice mental break from school, but I'm even nervous about going home because I have nobody to ride with me in a car that I'm honestly terrified of driving in by myself for 6 hours. I've had so many car problems that are still not fixed, and now I have a huge dent in one of my passenger doors. 

Speaking of my car, that leads me to the ticket I got. I had been planning on taking my time doing my defensive driving because it wasn't due until January. Then I realized that I'm actually an idiot and I won't be in Lubbock when it's due so I have to do it before December. That's not very stressful, just an annoyance that I for some reason felt was necessary to tell you about. 

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I recently discovered that I've been jealous of my friends' walks with God and had been trying to force growth onto myself so I can get to that level of intimacy with Him. News flash: that's not how it works. I'm glad that I realized that when I did because I would've literally gone crazy with the intense amount of effort I was putting in to be in a place that I wasn't ready for. That would've just led me to self-pity and resentment. 

I'm so grateful to have a Father that I can turn to about these things. I don't have to take on these things by myself because He has promised me that I can trust these things to Him. Knowing that has given me a sense of peace, and now I'm realizing that means I've finally placed my trust in Him. Trusting the Lord with my struggles has constantly been hard for me to do, because I've had the mentality "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself". This feels like a step away from that. 

I find comfort in the fact that in my heart, I know everything will be okay and that I'm simply in a season of transition and growth. Thanks for reading, I hope my thoughts were somewhat structured.